Fun, Not Fun

Fun: Going to the grocery store and and telling people who ask when you're due, "Oh, last Wednesday."

Not Fun: Being 41 weeks pregnant.

Nearly Halfway There

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, time has seemed to crawl by. Weeks 5 through 13 dragged. I checked my ticker every day, watching the days go by one by one. I wasn't showing, had no morning sickness, and didn't really feel pregnant.

Then, on Wednesday I woke up and was 16 weeks pregnant — 40% through my pregnancy. Since then, I have started to feel like there really is a baby in there, even though I can't feel it moving most of the time. My big ultrasound is in less than two weeks, and after that, the halfway mark is just around the corner!

It feels more real now.

Looking Pregnant

The other day, FB came into the kitchen while I was cooking dinner and said, "Hey, you really look pregnant!"

It's true — over the past week or so, I have clearly gone from normal belly chub to that rounded, protruding shape that announces that there is definitely a baby in there. I haven't had any strangers ask me when I'm due, but I imagine that will happen in the next week or two. I've started to dress differently, making no effort to hide my bump. In: loose cotton dresses over leggings. Out: trying to squeeze just one more week out of my normal clothes.

Things I Like About Being Pregnant

• Not getting my period.
• Eating what I want (weight gain as of 15 weeks: 2 pounds).
• Having an excuse to take naps.
• Feeling like I am accomplishing something 24/7.

Seriously, we'll see how I feel four months from now when I'm carrying a watermelon-sized child around in the August heat, but right now, I think I would be happy to be pregnant forever.

Second Trimester

There are several ways to calculate when the second trimester begins. If you go by developmental stages, it starts at 12 weeks, 0 days. If you take 40 weeks and divide by 3, it starts at 13 weeks, 3 days. There are other methods, too, but it doesn't really matter.

In any event, I am 13 weeks and 3 days along today, so I feel that I can consider myself officially in my second trimester.

Many women look forward to the 2nd tri because it means that they will soon get a break from the nausea, but other than that notable food poisoning incident, I have not been sick at all. I suppose the hormone changes may give me a reprieve from my acne, which is still active, but not quite as explosive as it once was.

In the past few days, I have started experiencing some new symptoms: light cramps, some twinges in my cervix, and, most notably, shooting pains on the left side of my uterus if I stand up too quickly. These are annoying, but still relatively minor. Unfortunately, FB is still sick — he has a bad cold piggybacking off of his recent ear infection — so I don't get a lot of sympathy for my aches and pains.

I hope that the 2nd trimester goes by more quickly than the first. When I reflect on the fact that I've only completed 9 weeks since I found out I was pregnant, it seems that I will be pregnant forever.

16 and Pregnant

Ok, let's be honest: I watch 16 and Pregnant. I have my TiVo set up to catch it so that I won't miss an episode if I go to bed at 8:00.

I find this show incredibly depressing/infuriating, and I can only hope that teenagers who watch it are getting the same message I am: your expectations for your deadbeat boyfriend are totally unreasonable. I don't think it glamorizes teen pregnancy at all.

Anyway, I happened across an article about the show that showcased a novel criticism. Jami Quesenberry, mother of eight, says of 16 and Pregnant:

I found those shows so depressing that I am afraid they may encourage abortion . . . The one girl who responsibly decided to put her baby up for adoption, at least in the episode I watched of ‘Teen Mom,’ was still depressed with her decision after five months . . . The other mothers [on the show] had lives that seemed stifling . . . If a teen watched that show, she may decide to terminate her pregnancy rather than go through what these teens are going through.

Well played, madam. Quesenberry has blocked the show in her home, presumably so that her eight children don't get the wrong idea about teenage pregnancy being all depressing and shit.

A Toddler Has Taken Over My Body

This week, I am enduring a tutorial on food cravings.

I've had food cravings before, but never like this. Usually, I can defer an inappropriate desire for ice cream by taking a walk or turning my mind to other things for 20 minutes or so. These cravings are different — they demand to be satisfied and refuse to recede. It is strange to be obsessed by egg salad for an hour.

The state of things has led to a schism between my mind and body. In the past few days, I have had multiple Gollum-like conversations in which I attempt to convince the demanding toddler who has taken control of my stomach that HOT DOGS ARE NOT A BREAKFAST FOOD.

Unfortunately, food cravings, like toddlers, cannot be reasoned with.

Luckily, most of my food issues so far have not been fatally unhealthy. I have an aversion to all types of soda, which has made it easy to cut down on caffeine. I can rationalize my mania for egg salad and hot dogs as a desire for protein. It's not as if I'm craving broccoli or carrots, but I am eating those things too and not puking them up, which is good enough for me.

Perhaps this part of pregnancy is supposed to make me more sympathetic to the demands of a small person who as very immediate needs that cannot be deferred.

Spreading the News (A Little Bit)

Today, FB and I had lots of fun telling our parents and siblings about Snapdragon.

We went to my parents' house for dinner and just slipped the news into the flow of conversation. My parents have been planning on renting a beach cottage for our family vacation this summer and when FB brought up the subject of dates, I said, "Well, we can't go in August because we're having a baby in September." General uproar. My dad dropped his fork, my my mom shrieked a bit, and my brother and sister were pretty much stunned. There was lots of hugging.

When we got home, FB called his parents. After he got both of them on the phone, he blurted out the news. I was listening in and the reactions were pretty much as I had expected: his dad was very pleased and his mom said, "Wow, I can't believe it," and immediately started worrying that our house is not child-friendly.

Then, we emailed the siblings that had not yet heard the news. We swore all to secrecy for a few weeks more.

Of interest: There is no good follow-up to "We're having a baby." After the initial congratulations and a few questions — When? How do you feel? — there's not a lot more to say. Everyone's a bit shocked and there isn't a lot more information to impart. In both conversations, we talked baby for about 5 minutes and then went on and talked about other things. I'm sure we'll find plenty to talk about as time goes on, but for now, there's not much to discuss.

Impostor

I feel like an impostor in the land of the pregnant.

For the past year, I have been preparing for this pregnancy — for months, I was a lurker on pregnancy advice sites, a clandestine reader of parenting blogs, a stalker of adorable Etsy shops. I wanted so much to join in, but I was on the margins.

Now, I am pregnant and I still feel like an outsider.

When I called to make an appointment with the midwives, the receptionist asked how many weeks along I was. I said 6, though I was barely 5. Why did I do that? Do I think that adding a week will make me more pregnant? Now I'm scheduled for an 8-week exam on a day when I'll be just a hair over 6 weeks. What good is that?

When I look at YouTube videos of pregnant women showing off their distended abdomens, I recognize them as authentic pregnant women. When I look at myself, I see nothing different. My breasts are a little sore and I pee on command, but other than that, there are few physical reminders that Snapdragon is in there somewhere. Sometimes I talk to him/her when I'm in the shower, but I just feel foolish. I'm not talking to my baby — I'm just talking to my bloat.

I know that this will pass. If everything goes well, I will soon have more belly than I know what to do with. Snapdragon will make him/herself abundantly real by punching my internal organs. I will have swollen feet and weird cravings.

But right now, I don't. I still feel like a wannabe, not a mom.

Tomorrow, FB are going to visit my parents. We'll break the news over dinner and then call his family. Maybe that will help it sink in.

I Am Pregnant and I Am Pro-Choice!

Today, on the 37th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, I renew my commitment to the pro-choice principles that form the core of my morality.

While the non-feminist media generally uses the term pro-choice as shorthand for "supports a woman's right to have an abortion," my pro-choice stance is not limited to this narrow policy position. To me, pro-choice is the fundamental principle of a morality that respects human life, dignity, and autonomy. In recognizing the limits of my own experience and respecting the rights of others to make the best choices for themselves and their families, I affirm the most sacred law in my moral universe: "As ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise" (Luke 6:31).

I trust women to decide how many children they will have, whether that number is zero or thirty. I am delighted to live in a country where Michelle Duggar is free to carry 19 children, but I am not forced to do the same. Whether they reach their desired family size through adoption, IVF, abortion, surrogacy, gamete donation, or any other legal means, I trust women to make the right choices for themselves and their families.

I trust women to decide when they wish to have children. I made a deliberate choice to conceive Snapdragon and I respect the rights of other women to make intelligent decisions about sex, birth control, pregnancy, and abortion. I do not want to live in an anti-choice country like China or Ireland, where the government limits women's reproductive rights.

I trust women to safeguard their own health and the health of their families, and I support universal access to high-quality health care in order to support them. What good are choices if they are limited by wealth or geography? I trust women to make intelligent decisions about their medical care and I expect lawmakers and medical professionals to treat them as the ultimate authorities on that care.

I trust women to make decisions about birth. As I embark on my own pregnancy/birth journey, I know that the choices I make will be intensely personal and that I will make them with Snapdragon's safety and my own wellbeing in mind. I know what's right for me and my family and I will never shame another woman for choosing home birth, scheduled c-section, drug-free birth, epidural anasthesia, hospital birth, hypno-birth, water birth, etc. I trust birthing women to make decisions about their care and believe that they are entitled to adequate information, knowledgeable advocates, and respectful caregivers.


I trust women to choose their own counselors. Whether they make decisions in consultation with a spouse, parents, siblings, friends, lovers, family, spiritual advisors, colleagues, therapists, doctors, deities, or no one at all, I trust them to know in whom to place their trust. I suspect that very few women choose to consult with the United States Congress in personal matters, but I suppose they could if they really wanted to.

I could continue this list for 20 pages. I trust women (and men) to choose their own spouses. I trust women to educate their children in a way that is respectful of their families' beliefs, no matter how much I may disagree with the content of that education. I trust women to make decisions about their professional lives and I believe that workplaces have a responsibility to make meaningful choice available (by paying a living wage, offering family leave, providing a safe work environment, guaranteeing equal pay, etc.). I trust women to manage their end-of-life care. I trust women to manage their own lives!

Being pro-choice means so much more than supporting access to abortion. Pro-choice is a worldview that recognizes the humanity, dignity, and basic rights of all people. It is the cornerstone of my morality.

Books

After the blood test confirmed my pregnancy last Friday, I walked over to the bookstore and loaded up on pregnancy books. I bought What to Expect When You're Expecting, Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth, The Expectant Father, and Laura Wattenberg's Baby Name Wizard.

FB and I spent the snowy weekend snuggled up and reading. It was lovely to burrow into the couch and revel in our secret.

Unfortunately, I have now read all of the pregnancy books and have gotten a bit ahead of myself. I have to keep reminding myself that I am actually only 5 (or 6?) weeks along and that Snapdragon is still a vulnerable little bunch of cells, not even a tiny tadpole yet.

I certainly can't spend the next eight months sitting on my butt, reading about fetal development, but right now, the only way I can engage with Snapdragon is intellectually. As time goes on, I will spend more time going for medical exams, moving furniture, and buying baby clothes. For now, all I can do is read and search the internet.

How Far Along Are You?

Today marks five full weeks since my LMP (that's Last Menstrual Period, not Lunar Module Pilot). Yet, I am unsure of how pregnant I am. Do you reckon your weeks like birthdays (you turn 1 after you have completed your first year) or is it more like elementary school grades (you are a first grader while you are completing first grade)?

Am I five weeks pregnant now? Or am I in my 6th week?

Good News?

On Friday morning, I took a home pregnancy test and got a very faint line. I climbed back into bed and told FB that there was a good chance that Snapdragon was on his/her way, but that I wasn't 100% sure yet.

An hour later, I headed off to student health services for a blood test. It's funny — the words "pregnancy test" elicit a lot of strange looks at a university health office. Even though I smiled every time I said them — to the receptionist, to the admitting nurse, to the nurse practitioner, to the lab tech —I managed to make every one around me uncomfortable.

Everyone I saw asked the same thing: "Is this good news?"

I suppose the university health services nurses must see more "bad news" pregnancy tests than "good news" tests. The nurse who called with my results hemmed and hawed before telling me that it was positive. "And that's . . . good?" she asked.

Yep, all good.

Feeling Good

So far, I don't have too many symptoms of pregnancy. I've been peeing every two hours and have constant, low-level cramps, but nothing too terrible. The cramps don't really hurt — they just make me more aware of my uterus than usual.

Over the past few days, I've been eating some of my favorite foods in anticipation of nausea over the next few weeks. I may not want Indian food or quesadillas once the morning sickness sets in, so I might as well get them now.

FB and I have been enjoying a lazy long weekend full of board games, banana bread, prgnancy books, and housecleaning. Tomorrow, we go to meet the midwives for the first time.

Is Refusing Bed Rest a Crime?

Here's another scary story about pregnant women's bodily autonomy being violated.

Success!

The nurse just called with my blood test results — I am pregnant!

My hCG level is 36, which is pretty low, indicating that I am just about 2 weeks past conception. This fits exactly with my own calculations.

I haven't seen an OB yet, but have figured out that Snapdragon is probably due around September 22!

Safety Hysteria

I generally object to the idea that all women under the age of 50 should consider themselves "pre-pregnant" at all times. However, since I am actively trying to get pregnant, I suppose that the term applies to me.

I've been taking a prescription prenatal multivitamin for a few months now, but other than that, I haven't changed my habits much. I don't drink, smoke, or drink coffee, so I haven't cut those things out. I do drink a can or two of diet cola on most days, but most recommendations I've seen suggest that pregnant women keep their caffeine consumption under 200 mg per day, and I don't think that I'm in any danger of surpassing that mark. I have not varied my (very moderate) exercise regime, and have generally carried on as usual.

Reading up on "experts'" recommendations for pregnant women is a frustrating experience. As far as I can tell, I should have wrapped myself in cotton and started an all-organic kale diet the moment I went off the pill. I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to ruin my hypothetical child's life by eating California rolls, drinking tap water, or using glue to make Christmas ornaments. Here's my favorite bit of advice for pregnant women, courtesy of The Seattle Times: stay away from electricity.

Note that the authors are not recommending that babies steer clear of electrical outlets — they are arguing that handling appliances is "a definite 'don't'" for pregnant adults.

No word yet on whether it's safe to sit on my couch, in light of the risk of shocks from static electricity.