Pregatory

pregatory: the time after your due date, but before your baby's actual birthday

All the week-by-week calendars have run out. All the tiny clothes and diapers are clean and ready. All the maternity clothes are worn out.

Seriously, baby. This has gone on long enough.

Due Date!

This date has been circled in bright colors on my calendar all year. Now, it's here . . . and it's just another boring day of waiting. Grumblecakes.

I'm actually trying to get some things done today so that I don't just sit around and mope. I wrote a 500-word summary of my summer research project, followed up on some work emails, went out to lunch with FB, and took a short (very short) walk. Honestly, it was pathetic. I walked to the library branch, which is a little over a quarter mile from my house, before admitting that my back was killing me. Unfortunately, at that point, I had to walk home. I walked less than a mile and feel like I need an ice pack.

FB has downloaded PuzzleQuest 2 on the Xbox for me, so that has killed several hours. It's my kind of video game — instead of fighting monsters, you defeat them by playing a version of Bejeweled. It's much more my speed than FB's shooting games.

I've been doing all I can to get ready, but there just isn't that much left to do. Yesterday, I made two playlists for labor — a mellow one and an energetic one. I don't know whether I'll want to listen to music while I'm in labor, but at least I'll have the option. I suppose I could vacuum again or clean the bathroom, but that doesn't sound like much fun. Perhaps I will write a letter to little Snapdragon that I can put in her keepsake box and give to her when she is older. It would mostly say,

Dear Snapdragon,
Get your butt out here. No, seriously, it is time.
xoxo,
pb

I Love Blankets

Last night was the first night in months that was cool enough for blankets. It was glorious.

After suffering through a week of hot, sleepless nights, I was able to fall asleep and stay that way for two 4-hour sessions, broken only for a bathroom break. It has been weeks since I slept for 4 hours at a time, and it felt amazing. I woke up feeling refreshed.

Of course, 3 hours after I got out of bed, I was tired again and napped the morning away. I guess one night of good sleep does not make up an entire month's sleep debt.

In other sleep news, FB and I put a waterproof mattress cover on our bed today. I'm not all that worried about my water breaking during the night (though that certainly could happen), but I imagine that there are many other types of leaks in our immediate future and I'd prefer not to have to clean our mattress all the time.

The co-sleeper is all set, with sheets and everything. It just needs a baby.

I'm 37w4d today, so she could come any time. I am beyond ready, both materially and emotionally. Come on, Snapdragon.

Though, if the weather stays cool and I can keep up this sleeping thing, a few more weeks wouldn't be so bad.

Updates

For the past few weeks, I have been struggling to overcome a bizarre mental paralysis that has made it difficult for me to do anything other than watch trashy TV and play computer games. Anything that involves mental exertion — even something as simple as updating this blog — has seemed like an huge, unmanageable task. Is this the much-talked-of "pregnancy brain"?

Anyway, a lot has happened, but it would be tedious to write a dozen posts, so I'll do bullet points:

• On the night of 8/18, I started having extreme pain just above my right hip. That's right where my ovarian cyst is, so I was worried that the cyst was twisting or rupturing. I tried to sleep and wait until my scheduled appointment with my midwife the next morning, but by 3 a.m., I was in so much pain that I decided to go in to the hospital. I called my parents, who were on vacation in Maine, woke up my sister, and drove myself to the hospital. I thought I would vomit in the car because the pain was so intense, but I made it to L&D. Of course, as soon as I got there, I felt much better, but they kept me for monitoring. I had an ultrasound in the morning, which showed that my cyst was fine, but I have a kidney stone. I don't think that was what was causing my pain because my kidneys are up around my ears at this point and the pain was just above the hip, but that's everyone's best guess. The ultrasound tech estimated Snapdragon's weight at 6 lbs. 13 oz.
• They also diagnosed me with polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid). The cut-off for this diagnosis is 25 somethingorothers and my fluid measured 25.8, so I had to see an OB to be checked. More on that later.
• I felt terrible about interrupting my parents' vacation, even though they were planning on coming back on Thursday morning anyway. They raced down from Maine — there is no traffic at 3 in the morning. Though I hated to bother them, I know that they would have been pissed to find out later that I hadn't called them right away. Everything turned out fine, but they would have been upset if I hadn't told them.
• After sleeping for less than an hour and a half on Wednesday night, I drove home to CT with my family. My mom rode in the car with me in case I needed to switch drivers. We ended up hitting a HUGE traffic jam — it took us almost 4 hours to make a trip that usually takes 2 hours or less. That was the real low point of the whole thing — I was on the verge of tears, tired, and missing Pete. It sucked.
• On Friday, 8/20, I spent the day shopping for the babies with my mom and sister. Our family threw a joint baby shower for Snapdragon and Giuliana on Sunday, so we needed to buy presents for the babies from our family and from my Naunie. It was lots of fun, but we were out for 6 hours and my feet were throbbing by the end. We spent all evening wrapping, which was easier on my feet. We wrapped Schnappi's things in animal-themed paper to cut down on the explosion of pink and pastel.
• Our baby shower was 8/22. I'll write a separate post about that.
• In general, August has been much more pleasant, weather-wise, than July, but these past few days have been brutal. It's so hot and humid that it's hard to breathe. I've been getting by with cold showers, drinking gallons of water, and taking air-conditioned car trips to run unnecessary errands. I know that it is not an earth-shattering revelation to note that August is hot, but pregnant hot is a whole new kind of gross.
• I'm pretty annoyed with my midwife. I had an appointment yesterday (8/30) during which she went over my ultrasounds and NSTs from my trip to the hospital. I am measuring "big" (39 cm instead of 37 cm) and she is concerned about the discrepancy in the measurements of Snapdragon's weight (6-6.5 lbs on 8/17 (63rd percentile), 6 lbs 13 oz on 8/19(82nd percentile)). I asked whether the discrepancy was really that big a deal — after all, don't those late ultrasounds have fairly wide margins of error? She looked at me blankly and just said that she was concerned because Snapdragon "grew so much" in just two days. WTF? She didn't grow — two different ultrasound techs made slightly different estimates, both of which estimated her weight as "biggish, but totally normal." Long story short, the midwife wants another growth ultrasound next week. Whatever. I think it is completely unnecessary, but at least I will get to see how she's doing. My next appointment with my midwife isn't until 9/9, so it will be nice to have some reassurance sooner than that.
• No matter what the ultrasound says, Snapdragon is BIG. Very big. I can tell you that without taking any official measurements. She moves around ALL DAY LONG and it is very uncomfortable. Between the vigorous stretching and the pelvis-pounding hiccups, I am feeling pretty beat-up. My skin is so stretched that the skin around my ex-belly button is numb. Come on out, Snapdragon! There is so much more room for squirming on the outside!
• Tomorrow is Sept. 1st, and Snapdragon will be full term! That means she is welcome to come at any time! I've got my fingers crossed for sooner rather than later. Obviously, she will come when she is good and ready, but I can't even entertain the idea that I could still be pregnant on October 1st. I am mentally prepared for 3 more weeks, tops.
• I've got my money on Sept. 19th — Talk Like a Pirate Day. Various nerds among our friends think that Sept. 22 would be a cool birthday because it is Bilbo and Frodo Baggins' birthday.
• My guess for birth weight is 8 lbs 12 oz, but I would be unsurprised if she turns out to be a 9-pounder.
• I am not scared for labor. I am awkward, uncomfortable, hot, bored, and tired. There is very little left to do to get our house ready for Snapdragon, so I don't even have any little projects to keep me busy. I have tried to do dissertation work, but that's not going so well. I am impatient to get started on this whole parenting thing!

That's it for now.

My First Pedicure

FB is on a business trip and has been gone for almost two weeks. It is a long time to be apart, especially as we move into the end game of this pregnancy.

I have been trying to find little ways to pamper myself in his absence. My sister is visiting for a few days, so I took her to get pedicures. I've never had one before. It was quite nice, especially considering that I can barely cut my own toenails at this point. If it were up to me, I would have skipped the nail polish in favor of more massage time, but it was still lovely.

I also got my eyebrows waxed while B got her pedicure. I always forget how nice groomed eyebrows look — every time I get them done, I resolve to do them more often, but, invariably, I forget to go back. I have a Mediterranean unibrow, so the waxing really opens up my face, but I'm just too lazy to keep it up.

After the spa, we went shopping and bought B a dress for the first day of school. It's a lovely dress and she looks very sweet in it.

We've spent the afternoon watching TV and enjoying our clean, polished feet. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my midwife, then a meeting for the course I'm teaching for in the spring, and then B and I will go home to CT. I'll be very glad to be with my family, rather than hanging out here, all alone.

On My Own

On Sunday, FB flew out to San Francisco to attend a friend's wedding and start his new job. I was bummed that I couldn't go to the wedding (Congrats, T & I!), but he texted me photos and updates so I could follow along.

Yesterday, he started his new job. He will be working out of the San Francisco office for the next two weeks, meeting new people, catching up with old friends, and getting up to speed with his new project. It's an exciting time for him.

I'm not too worried about being here alone. I am expecting Snapdragon to linger past her due date, so I'm not really nervous about going into labor before he gets back. If I do, I have plenty of family and friends around to support me.

As much as I dislike being alone, I am enjoying some things about this solitude. I am in 100% indulgence mode — I eat and sleep when I please, watch whatever trash tv I want, and have no regard for the needs and schedules of others. I have one or two minor work obligations, but mostly, I am watching movies, working on another quilt for Snapdragon, and dabbling in dissertation work at a leisurely pace. It's not so bad.

One thing I have to remind myself to do is talk to Snapdragon. Since I don't have FB to talk to, I go most of the day without saying much. All the baby books say that she can hear pretty well, and I want her to be familiar with my voice, so I've been making an effort to talk and sing to her/myself throughout the day.

The best thing about this 2-week trip is that it is refocusing my attention. Instead of counting down days until September 22, I am counting down days until FB gets back. Two weeks is a much more manageable time period to deal with than 6-8 weeks. When he returns, I will be almost 36 weeks, and really entering the final phase of this pregnancy.

Chugging Along

I haven't posted in a while, but everything is pretty much fine here. I've been sleeping a bit better — not really comfortably, but enough to feel rested in the morning. My lower back has been hurting more often and I have had some bad headaches, but my blood pressure is fine (110/72) and I'm staying well hydrated, so that's all that can be done.

I'm 33 weeks along, which is either terrifying or frustrating, depending on whether you express it as "You could deliver 4 weeks from today!" or as "You may have as many as 9 weeks left to go!" I have mentally prepared for 6-7 weeks, but anything less is unfathomable and anything more makes me want to crawl out of my increasingly swollen skin. My ticker says 48 days to go, and I am just trying to get through each one of them. Accomplishing anything work- or house-related is strictly over-achieving at this point.

Overheated

It has been in the mid-80s here for the past few days with no let-up in sight.

I have been having a really hard time — sweating, headaches, and general discomfort that make it difficult to get through the day. I made the mistake of going for a walk yesterday afternoon and never really recovered. We don't have air conditioning, so the most relief I can get is lying still in the basement with a cool bottle of water pressed against my skin.

Today, I took my work to the public library, which has air conditioning. It's slightly better, but even walking a few blocks to get lunch was rough. Luckily, I have indoor activities planned for the next few days before FB and I leave for Maine. We'll be right on the water, so I hope it will be cooler!

100 Days to Go!

According to my official due date, I am 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant today, which means that I have exactly 100 days left until my due date!

I predict that Snapdragon will be a little late, but it feels good to reach this milestone. It wasn't so long ago that my ticker was at 250, which felt like forever. As of tomorrow, I'll be in double digits!

Major Purchases

Today, FB and I spent the afternoon braving the wilds of a major local mall to make some major purchases for the Snapdragon. FB got some good driving practice and we were both in good moods, which helped us keep our spirits up.

First, we went to Pottery Barn Kids to look at changing tables. I've been shopping online for a combination changing table/dresser because we have so little space in our tiny house. We considered ordering one from Amazon or Overstock, but most of the reviews for changer/dresser combos complained about the sturdiness of the pieces and the difficulty of assembly, so we finally decided to get a Pottery Barn piece that would be delivered to our house already assembled. We ended up with the Berkeley changing table in a medium color — it was the shortest table available, which made it great for me.

As I have said before, I find malls exhausting. We had to take a little break after the Pottery Barn trip because the whole experience — giant mall, negotiating the price of the furniture, setting up delivery — was so overwhelming, even with the help of very capable salespeople. We got some cold drinks and regrouped.

Next, it was off to Babies R Us for the first time. I have been researching strollers and carseats online, but I felt like I needed to see those things in person before purchasing them. I wanted to make sure that I could fold the stroller and that the car seat would fit in our Prius. We ended up with a Chicco Keyfit Travel System, which was rated very highly by Consumer Reports. I was able to fold and unfold the stroller easily and was pleasantly surprised by how light and small it it. We don't really plan on using the stroller much during Snapdragon's early months, but it was a good deal if we bought the two pieces together, especially since we had a 15% off coupon for a single item.

I am relieved to have these purchases completed. Since we already have the co-sleeper, we are pretty much set on major purchases. From here on in, we only need to prepare small things like clothes and toiletries. Perhaps a breast pump, but I'll probably hold off on that for a while.

It's great to have a carseat and a stroller in the house. Snapdragon is on her way!

Nearly Halfway There

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, time has seemed to crawl by. Weeks 5 through 13 dragged. I checked my ticker every day, watching the days go by one by one. I wasn't showing, had no morning sickness, and didn't really feel pregnant.

Then, on Wednesday I woke up and was 16 weeks pregnant — 40% through my pregnancy. Since then, I have started to feel like there really is a baby in there, even though I can't feel it moving most of the time. My big ultrasound is in less than two weeks, and after that, the halfway mark is just around the corner!

It feels more real now.

Impostor

I feel like an impostor in the land of the pregnant.

For the past year, I have been preparing for this pregnancy — for months, I was a lurker on pregnancy advice sites, a clandestine reader of parenting blogs, a stalker of adorable Etsy shops. I wanted so much to join in, but I was on the margins.

Now, I am pregnant and I still feel like an outsider.

When I called to make an appointment with the midwives, the receptionist asked how many weeks along I was. I said 6, though I was barely 5. Why did I do that? Do I think that adding a week will make me more pregnant? Now I'm scheduled for an 8-week exam on a day when I'll be just a hair over 6 weeks. What good is that?

When I look at YouTube videos of pregnant women showing off their distended abdomens, I recognize them as authentic pregnant women. When I look at myself, I see nothing different. My breasts are a little sore and I pee on command, but other than that, there are few physical reminders that Snapdragon is in there somewhere. Sometimes I talk to him/her when I'm in the shower, but I just feel foolish. I'm not talking to my baby — I'm just talking to my bloat.

I know that this will pass. If everything goes well, I will soon have more belly than I know what to do with. Snapdragon will make him/herself abundantly real by punching my internal organs. I will have swollen feet and weird cravings.

But right now, I don't. I still feel like a wannabe, not a mom.

Tomorrow, FB are going to visit my parents. We'll break the news over dinner and then call his family. Maybe that will help it sink in.

Books

After the blood test confirmed my pregnancy last Friday, I walked over to the bookstore and loaded up on pregnancy books. I bought What to Expect When You're Expecting, Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth, The Expectant Father, and Laura Wattenberg's Baby Name Wizard.

FB and I spent the snowy weekend snuggled up and reading. It was lovely to burrow into the couch and revel in our secret.

Unfortunately, I have now read all of the pregnancy books and have gotten a bit ahead of myself. I have to keep reminding myself that I am actually only 5 (or 6?) weeks along and that Snapdragon is still a vulnerable little bunch of cells, not even a tiny tadpole yet.

I certainly can't spend the next eight months sitting on my butt, reading about fetal development, but right now, the only way I can engage with Snapdragon is intellectually. As time goes on, I will spend more time going for medical exams, moving furniture, and buying baby clothes. For now, all I can do is read and search the internet.

New Ticker

Ok, that new pregnancy ticker — the black one with the scary worm bobbing around in it — is officially NOT CUTE.

I find it sort of mesmerizing, though.

Baby Food

The whole practice of comparing the embryo's/fetus' size to various fruits and vegetables strikes me as hilarious.

Why do people insist on making the baby sound so delicious?

I have chosen a Lilypie pregnancy counter that will keep all of my readers apprised of the tasty things my baby most closely resembles.

Bad Blogger

Most blogs run for a week or two before they are abandoned for good. By that standard, I did a good job by running for a couple of months before going AWOL. Let's just call it vacation.

Nothing has changed since my last post, except that my anxiety level is starting to go up a little bit. I turned 26 in October, making me officially older than average for a first-time mother in America (though still substantially younger than most first time moms in my liberal New England city).

FB and I said that we would try until Christmas before taking some deliberate steps. There's still a small chance that I might turn up pregnant in the next three weeks, but it's a long shot. FB has an extended business trip and I'll be going home to help my parents prepare for the holiday, so there won't be many opportunities for us to try between now and January.

I'm not panicking yet. But I'm getting a little anxious.